PDA

View Full Version : The Old Man and The Talking Frog



Cookie
03-29-2011, 08:01 AM
THE OLD MAN & THE TALKING FROG

An 86 year old fisherman was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’ The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.’ The old fisherman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, ‘What are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’ He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’

Cookie
03-30-2011, 01:49 PM
My One Day Employment
So after landing my new job as a WalMart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said
pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’
So I replied,
‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe
someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
WalMart.’
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Terry
03-30-2011, 05:08 PM
Oh my lord! Which of these is a joke and which one is real?
How fast did you get escorted from the store?

I'm not a big Walmart shopper. I prefer Costco. In fact one day I went to Walmart off of 164th near Lynnwood, took a quick swing through without buying anything and then went to Costco. Wow! a big, big difference in shoppers. The trouble with Costco, is that I want to fill up the cart, and the carts are huge.
I won't buy any plumbing there though. I did buy an espresso machine for making coffee, and I buy food there.
I get printer ink, and paper and sometimes software. And a television.
I won't install the plumbing sold at Costco anymore though. I had one job where the customers had bought from the Costco Home Store, it was Grohe, but when I went to install, the handles need filing with a flat file to attach the handles, and when I went to attach the cold side supply, the threads wouldn't take the nut. I had to disassemble the faucet and get a new cold side stem assembly, this was on a wide spread, so you plumbers know how much time was wasted on that job. That and the phone calls, waiting days for parts and then the second trip out. I have never had good luck with Costco purchased plumbing.

Cookie
03-30-2011, 05:17 PM
HA HA HA HA, SOrry Terry, lol, my girlfriend, Peg sent me that Walmart joke, and I loved it, :) The Frog one is so cute... I thought it might make someone laugh, it did me.

Cookie
03-30-2011, 05:21 PM
I don't shop at Walmart because it is too far to drive and I got to be honest, when I was at Walmart once or twice, I wasn't really that impressed with it. I do have a Sam's near me, now I do shop there. I get the Hoagie rings for having kids over. I tutor at home for kids with special needs and signing. I don't have a Costco near me either, never been to one, yet. Did you like that joke though? LOL... I thought it was sooo funny.

Terry
03-30-2011, 05:37 PM
It was funny. Funny because it's something you would like to say sometimes, but if you did you would feel pretty guilty.
So I take it the frog story isn't true either. I get asked all the time if the Bill Gates story (http://www.terrylove.com/gates.htm)is true. That's funny too.

Cookie
03-30-2011, 05:54 PM
Terry, is it true? LOL... Tell me, I won't tell anyone.

Cookie
03-30-2011, 05:58 PM
Terry, take this test, Peg sent this one, too. We both graduated together, both teachers and we both failed this test. :)



WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ



(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane?


Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
*
Check your answers below.



ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Cookie
03-30-2011, 06:09 PM
Now, when finished with that answer this question, please.
If answered correctly, I will win, 5 Free Munchins from Dunkin Donuts. :)

In the 2003 season what was Seattle's Mariner's Ryan Franklin's win and loss record?

I can only scratch off ONCE... LOL...

OKAY, you can pick from these:

A 8-8
B 5-1
C 13-9
D 11-13

If I win I will send you 2.5 Munchin Balls.

Cookie
03-31-2011, 07:15 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.


Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.


Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.


Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.


The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!


Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.


With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"


After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.


"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!"

Cookie
04-01-2011, 04:53 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he paid her a large

sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide

child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard,

and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card,

turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

achutch
04-01-2011, 06:35 PM
I don't shop at Walmart because it is too far to drive and I got to be honest, when I was at Walmart once or twice, I wasn't really that impressed with it. I do have a Sam's near me, now I do shop there. I get the Hoagie rings for having kids over. I tutor at home for kids with special needs and signing. I don't have a Costco near me either, never been to one, yet. Did you like that joke though? LOL... I thought it was sooo funny.

Cookie,

I have seen that Walmart joke before and thought it was hilarious!! We shop at Walmart only when we have to. While it's probably only 5 or 6 miles away, it's a pain in the butt to get to because of the heavy traffic and the numerous stop lights that always seem to turn red whenever we approach them. And inside the store, the lines are long, and some of the customers are rude, especially the ones who block the already too narrow aisles. Sometimes it's better to pay a few cents more and shop at the stores within walking distance than it is to waste precious time and expensive gasoline to save a little $$ at Walmart. We do not have a Sam's close by, but there's one across the lake in New York.

Terry,

Like you, we like Costco and shop there frequently. I agree it's hard to walk out of there without items that were not on the list. For everyday things like cleaning stuff, T.P., and over the counter meds like my old friend Ibuprofen, it's the place to go. Also, the scent from the bakery makes me go weak in the knees. BTW, I did buy a rain shower head from there several years ago (more like a weak dribble) and replaced it with a Moen, which I love. Also saw the Water Ridge Dual Flush that's talked about here from time to time. We'll stick to our Toto Drakes, thank you very much!

Cookie
04-02-2011, 10:56 AM
Once the weather breaks, we still got snow, snowing as I write this even, I might take a ride to Walmart. It too, has alot of traffic lights if I remember right, and loads of traffic. But, they also, got a Krispy Creme donut near, there which I wouldn't mind buying one of, so I might take the ride in a couple of weeks. I thought that joke was really funny, along with the Spaghetti one, LOL. I am a joke junkie, eveyone who knows me, always sends me jokes. People should try to laugh more then, they wouldn't be like old farts.

Cookie
04-03-2011, 12:55 PM
This is NOT a joke, but it IS kind of funny.

I recently had a phone call from our local blood bank. I saw their number on the phone and figured I better get it since, I have had blood tranfusions and who knows, maybe I got something in the blood they needed to tell me about. The good news is it was NOT about me, but they were collecting blood. A blood drive.

Now, I know about a drive's importance but, I politely told the lady, " I am sorry but, I cannot give." Well, with years of chemotherapy under my belt she pushed the wrong button saying, " Why are you afraid of a little needle?"

I told her, " no, I have had nearly six years of needles, including blood tranfusions, I can not give." She thought for a moment coming back saying and disregarding, I said, I had blood tranfusions, " with certain cancers you can still give." Well, I said, " NOT WITH A BLOOD CANCER." Adding, " I wish to harm no other human being with my illness."

She went on then asking, ( and sorry, but this to me is the funny part) " is anyone in your household, would like to give, maybe, a husband?"

I said, " he can't give." She said, " well, certain things can be overcome so he can give."
I said, " lady, he is dead. And, that cannot be overcome, YET."